The simple truth is that you need to be more aware of what you’re leaving for other people to hear. Sure, this doesn’t always register as a priority for users, but it’s never too late to reassess your greeting. a. Reading/Speaking in the Imperfect Tone: Tone is absolutely everything. Users don’t want to come off as being too nice, as it sounds insincere, or being too terse, as it can be interpreted as being rude. That being said, striking the right balance is absolutely essential. Your greeting exists as its own entity, and therefore, it should NOT rely on callers’ familiarity with you. Instead, it needs to appeal to the masses. As such, your inflection, i.e. the way you state your name and directions, needs to be both welcoming and firm. b. Injecting Humor & Insincerity: While humor/light heartedness can be welcoming, it can also convey a sense of informality, insincerity, and ultimately unprofessionalism. Why, because you’re not there to lend your humor or to contextualize. Instead, you’re assuming the caller has a working knowledge of your personality to ground the message. Though this might not sound like it’s all that terrible—it can be detrimental. As stated above, one should NEVER rely on a caller’s familiarity with you. Instead, aim to appeal to the masses. Humor is ultimately subjective, meaning not everyone has the same tastes; therefore, someone is bound to be turned off by a quirky or off-color remark. While implementing a light-hearted or even tongue and cheek tone can work, it’s just a really bad idea.
If someone is listening to your voicemail greeting it's only because they intend to leave you a message. Don't make them listen to 3 minutes of rambling in order to do so. Plus, you're more likely to deliver a clean, professional read if you stick to shorter greetings. If more specific information is needed, direct callers to where they can find it on your website.

"If my mom needs to reach me, she'll send a text, like 'Call me now,' if I don't answer," she says.
6. You have reached [your business]. All of our representatives are currently busy, but if you leave us a detailed message with your name and number we will return your call in the next two hours. Thank you for calling and have a great day.