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Hi, you have reached (names) voicemail. If you want money or to sell us something, we a) gave at the office, b) already have it, or c) don’t want it. If you are a …

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Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice: Hello, this is the executioner. Do you want your voicemail returned? Saying goodbye to a friend like you is like saying goodbye to my own soul — it is just not possible. Give him a reason to smile and think about you with a fun message he won't forget. And as the old adage reminds us, first impressions are everything.
Funny Voice Mail Greetings - Phone Message Downloads The following audio collection contains funny, bizarre, and sometimes down right strange greetings that will be a sure fire hit with your caller. Expect lots of laughs when you add these hilarious and unusual answering ringtone audio messages to personalize your mobile and home phone. .

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-Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you’ll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day.
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I guess I’m a little like a cat in that way. I’m a call screener. If you’re my friend and you’re reading this, please understand I don’t screen your calls. Just everyone else’s.
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I've assembled this list in mid-nineties from the messages that people were emailing around. As far as I know, the author of this list is unknown.

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    answering machine wav by dean raul diarchangeli. 21 funny answering machine voice mailbox messages. 39 humorous and witty voicemail greetings BRANDONGAILLE COM. FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES FOR TELEMARKETERS.

    Oh lord…is it you…again? Well, if you must, leave a name and number after the beep. I’ll try to return the call, if I can stand it, that is.
    Your voicemail greeting is the first introduction to your office — what kind of impression do you want to leave?

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    I noticed I missed his call and he left a voice mail, when I listened to the voice mail it was my dads voice saying "NAME, NUMBER" and it ended.

    Website: https://www.marketingmessages.com/media/Sample-Voice-Prompts-For-Healthcare.pdf
    He’s running to his car, he’s out of here. She’s talking to him while he’s driving off.

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    News images provided by Press Association and Photocall Ireland unless otherwise stated. Irish sport images provided by Inpho Photography unless otherwise stated. Wire service provided by Associated Press.

    This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Hello you are talking to a machine; I am capable of receiving messages. My owner your name here does not need siding windows or a hot tub, and her carpets are clean.
    Voicemail greeting: "Hi. I'm probably home but avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message after the beep. If I don't call back it was you." Menu No categories 7 Funniest Voicemail Greetings That Will Make You Chuckle The Team 5 years ago No Comments Next '

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    The voicemail greeting should be multiple choice and include things like the name of your company, an automated response that is friendly and informative, and information on how to contact you by phone.
    Friends and colleagues speak to each using first names only. So do people of authority. They do not call each other and leave voicemail messages asking for Mister, Miss, or Mrs. Therefore, when you call a person you want to do business with and you leave a voicemail message, refer to them by their first name only. Don't say mister, miss, or misses. Don't say their last name. Begin your voicemail message by saying only "hi/hello" followed by the person's first name. Or, you can even forget the "hi/hello" and just say the person's first name. That is how you show confidence and authority and separate yourself from weak salespeople.

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Website: http://allowe.com/laughs/book/88 Creative Answering Machine Messages.htm

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The Top 10 Best Answering Machine Messages. 10 . My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. The Top 10 Best Answering Machine Messages – Pure-Essence.Net

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"Hello, this is John. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

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15. "This is Bond. James Bond. Okay, it's really [your last name]. [Your first name] [your last name]. I'll get back to you as soon as I'm done helping M16 save the world — which will probably be tomorrow at the latest. Have a good day."

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