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1. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

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I’m home right now . . . I’m just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello you are talking to a machine; I am capable of receiving messages. My owner (your name here) does not need siding windows or a hot tub, and her carpets are clean. She gives to charity through the office and she doesn’t need her picture taken if your still with me please leave a message and she will get back with you. .

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No one should be calling during the holidays, and yet some people do. When you’re out for the holidays, create a voicemail greeting that communicates the cheerfulness of the season while still staying professional.

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Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you. Hello, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. Hi, this is [ your name ]. I’m sorry, I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone …
Now, here's where the embedded commands begin. I don't know if you've ever heard of Neurolinguistic Programming, NLP. I'm no Ninja at it, but I've learned a little bit about it through the years and if you can embed commands that aren't direct commands, not explicit, I'm commanding you to do this, but a subtle statement of a thing that embeds as a command to your subconscious mind, it can have an influencing effect on the other person.

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9. Outgoing Message with Samuel L. Jackson Treatment. Stephen Colbert asked Samuel L. Jackson to record his infamous voice on his outgoing message recording.

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3. "Hey, this is [your name]. If you're calling for [X reason], please [contact so-and-so] or [go to our website, send me an email]. For all other inquiries, leave your name and a brief message and I'll call you back within [one, two, three] business day[s]."

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    Practice your spiel so you can speak with authority. This lets the caller know how confident, qualified, and prepared you are. The goal is to sound like you’ve been doing this for years, not a few minutes.

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  • best business voicemail greetings

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    When on vacation, provide your callers with a return date and a back-up contact person to accommodate emergencies. This prevents you from potentially damaging a valued relationship while you enjoy some time off.
    Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

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    Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. This is David. Please leave one. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.

    No31: I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
    If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touchtone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touchtone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. 13. [Very fast] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message

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    “After a few seconds of silence, I say, ‘Gotcha! Sorry I missed your call. Leave your message after the beep,’” he continued, oblivious to the fact that no other human being would ever leave him a voice message for any reason whatsoever. “But it isn’t even over yet. After I’m done talking, you hear a beep and start leaving your message — but the beep is still part of my voicemail! It’s like a double whammy joke!”

    This message will self destruct. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. The President is not in his office at this time.
    Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it.

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5. The Serious Greeting. I’m going into hibernation for a few months. For more updates, check my Facebook page. Hello, to reach the person you are calling, please say the password.

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Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you. Hello, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. Hi, this is [ your name ]. I’m sorry, I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone …

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If you’re a #Trekkie or a #Trekker, this is the best of our funny voicemail greetings. Let Spock deliver your outgoing message to all of your callers.

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“To answer your question, yes, I do see practices that accept texting, email and even chat messages through their websites from clients,” says Brenda Tassava, CVPM, CVJ, a veterinary business consultant.

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